over the course of 31 days
12:53 a.m. | 2006-04-05
This has to be the most stressful week of my life. The good things about it are that I am being productive and getting stuff done. The bad things are that in the process, I have managed to loose most of my sanity and have gotten no sleep.
Instant messenger has become a thorn in my side, with random messages from different people distracting me from my work, and then the recent increase in the number of blocked buddylist members. One was a given, after a horrific Friday lunch date. Chris is no longer in the picture, enough said. Kathy had to be removed with her all but relevant conversations at all the inappropriate times. And finally Drew. Hmmm, that was the most pleasurable block imaginable. While our daily ramblings are missed, the idea of not feeding into something lame is much more pleasing. I felt that talking to him only complicated our relationship, urging it out of the friendship realm. There we were free to flirt and say what would normally be left unspoken. This way, I find out if this is truely just "friends" with a "hi, where have you been" conversation in person next time we see each other and to be forgotten the next day; or if this was "more" with a phone call or phone text asking where the hell I am, or even a simple "I miss u".
Placing all hypothetical-ness aside, I have learned so much outside of the classroom (and from Answerology) I wonder why I pay tuition. The past month has had me on a rollercoaster of emotions that one would never expect from my situations. I learned how I respond to the most trivial matters, over anaylze everything, and weep over the smallest defeats and setbacks. I later discover that I am never pinned, never in a catch 22 that will be my complete ruin. There is always a way out that I take and shelter myself away until the next fictional battle. I feel as though I have changed over a thousand times until I have no clue what I have become, or even if I have stopped changing.
What's to be taken away from this? Well for one, I have upped my standards permanently, no question asked. I am not settling, not taking something just because it's there. That's what the past month was like. "Might as well since there is nothing else going on" or "An opportunity waiting to come out of its shell, you only need to crack it". They sound so true, but are really false "isms" that I fed myself over the course of 31 days. Evenutally everything fell into place and now back at square one, which I never really left, I find that I refuse to leave. As much as I would like to have so much more right now, I am not going to be tempted. For the longest time I have been sitting here waiting for something wonderful to happen, and really I find that I am waiting for my life to start. But I have come to terms that I dont have control over that, and while it looks like everyone else has got it together, there are a few odd million who dont. I also learned to trust the first thing I feel. I knew things were too good to be true from the start, and listening to everyone else's good wishes and intentions clouded my judgement and made things worse. I had things figured out in the first round last term, and should not have caved in. I didnt want to go out again for a reason. There's also a reason why things were like that for months at a time. Maybe this span of time will act a purge, and I wont have to write about this again. I am constantly kicking myself in the ass after reading what I wrote over and over again after the first game of pool, and hearing what I hear now from every else after the fact.
I cant say that I was in agony. It was complete disappointment, and mostly at myself for being fooled. I took a very comprehensive look at my relationships and found that my closets friends are always there, and that the guys I end up with are all the same. No cars, no consideration. So I cant be nice anymore, I have to put all Christian values aside and be critical, demanding, and selfish. It will take practice, but eventually I will get it right.
I got all of my other sins right.
I suggest:
Cosmopolitan, strong, after a good home cooked meal places you in a reflexive mood. Try not to be too critical; than again, maybe you should.