You're easy on the eyes... just not enough for me
7:36 p.m. | 2006-04-10
Why do I have to be so caught up in trivial things? I really want to let things go, but I cant. I dont know why I am attached in the first place. I guess because I dont have guys drooling all over that when one person decides to share time with me, I get all excited and read into it way too much.
The other day after work, I went to the grocery store, just to pick a few things to keep myself from fretting about what to eat at night for the week. I was standing waiting to pick out a nice bird, and this old guy came up and complimented me. I thanked him, and went about my business. On the way back to the car, it hit me. Why is it that everyone else sees it but the one you want? Not to say that I would never talk to that guy, but I would neve date him. If he asked me to get a drink with him or something, I wouldve declined with no hesitation. But then I thought about when someone complimented me, and it was someone who I would have given my number to. Not a one. The whole way home, I kept thinking, why is it always the one that you dont want that sees the great things about you, or who sees you at your best. I can never be cool or beautiful to the one I really want. I try (like I am tonight) to be available, and nothing happens. The one day that I decided to wear a skirt to work, and go grocery shopping, that's when someone says something, and then it's someone that's totally not fitting my criteria.
I guess I am being ugly now. I hate being bitter, it's just that I want something to happen, and it's not happening. I am soo tired of waiting for something. I feel as though I have been waiting my entire life. I am so about to settle for whatever else comes along. The thing is, even that is slim pickings because they act all interested and then disappear. Then Im like WTF??? So tired of it. And as much as I try to benefit from others' advice, I cant. I fail miserably.
So here I sit, at the coffee shop, looking at all the couples passing me by and wondering what the girl has that I dont, besides a man. I just feel like a raisin right now. A small, unimpressive, wrinkled raisin. This is much worse than rejection. Sometimes, I wish I had kept my lush mouth shut. I should have believed that there was no way anything was gonna happen to me. I hate feeling alone when surrounded by so much. It's embarrashing. It just seems easier for everyone else, and as much as you try to tell yourself it's not true, there it is in your face, convincing you that you have no chance.
How do I get over this?? ugh.
I suggest:
Do not go to the coffee shop to discuss others' drama. It only makes you order a glass of wine, to find the one friend that understands you at the bottom of it.