Drinking, the rewind, and waiting for "someday"
1:46 p.m. | 2006-04-14
One more blow to the ego is all I need before I seriously start searching for convents in the area. Last night was another GNO, with my pals Lauren and Michelle, along with a new girl. No big deal, I was the usual trash magnet, Michelle got the usual random guy's number, and Lauren... got trashed. Oh wait, there was a difference this time... Michelle's hot guy was a guy that I hit on before. Anyone remember the Keith drama? I do!! So he hit on my friend, with me dancing practically by myself, they exchange numbers and she is all excited. It wasnt until later, alcohol level in my blood went down enough where you couldnt make a good martini out of it, that I rewinded the event and the name and it clicked. Not to mention that we were across from where we had previously met the night before.
I didnt go into hysterics until later that night. I boo hooed all the way back to Lauren's house since she left her phone in my car after I had dropped her off. The way back was weird, probably because once you sober up and do the rewind, it's like, why? Why do I put up with so much trash? I had found out earlier that Drew had made an appearance with his girl at a Wal Mart (not the most romantic, but it's not biking distance that's for sure). What's that about?? It's not about me, thats what it's about. Thats what matters now. It's not about me. The why is, why did I get involved? Why did I put up with it, when deep down I knew that it wasnt about me? Am I stupid? Do I like being tortured? And then the best of them all: What do they have that I dont, and why dont I have it? I surely missed the memo on "pick your get a man guide, while supplies last" in junior high, and since then have suffered drastically. It's like a slap in the face and you wonder why you devoted so much time to stressing over it, and it was never really there.
Lauren's ex is back in town, and despite her hating him and still being in pain over him dumping her, she spoke/texted with him all last night and is now getting ready to take him out on the town. It seems to me that no matter what happens, it's still better than being alone. Maybe that's not true when you get older or when you have kids with someone and then go through a divorce, but for right now, that is what looks like to me. I guess I am having a hard time being patient. I have learned to be patient at work and patient with school, but with this part of my life, where I actually daydream in the club because I am that bored with what is going on, that I actually have to turn my phone off at the bar to keep from texting someone just to see if he would respond at all and acknowledgecmy existance, am cant be patient. I just feel like I have waited longer than everyone else. I feel cheated, as if when it happens, it better be the best thing in the world. I hate that I made my first time happen. I dont hate that it happened, I hate that I had to make that decision. It wasnt with someone that wanted to know me, that was going to be there the next day, that wanted something more. It was someone that just wanted some. Im glad that he was kind and understanding and went along with it even when he didnt have to, but at the same time, I think, then, I realized that he didnt want to be there, and neither did I. And what came back to me last night on the way back to my house (again), is what every good samaritan will hear:
"You will make someone very happy some day"
Just not now
I suggest: Rum and coke and screwdrivers just arent enough. Plan to fix yourself a real drink later.