my uncertainty of what is left
11:17 p.m. | 2006-05-02
So I am a major fuck up. I blacked out again, this time with Gina and Michelle at Gina's house, and similar puking and loss of bodily functions happened again. I totally ruined Gina's couch. I tried to salvage that friendship by being overly helpful in the cleanup process, even offering to pay for damages that could not be fixed, however I think I have pushed things way too far. I havent heard from her since that week. I am not going to hunt her down. That would be inappropriate, although I have some of her things that I cleaned. I wouldnt want them back either. We have been friends for three years, and all of that doesnt matter because of the one time I lost control.
And you would think that I would stay away from alcohol after that right? Nope. Although I have made a point to tell everyone what happened. I am no longer really embarrashed about it since everyone I know has had a bad liquor experience. Now thinking back on it, I have been caught up in nothing but trouble since I have hung out with her. Granted it was the cool kind, I probably wouldnt be on the emotional rollercoaster I am on now if I had gone with my own judgements. I have definitely learned a lot from my experiences (well maybe not that much since I blacked out twice in a month's time).
I guess I got so fucked up because I was sad. I was and still am sad about not leaving here without really changing. I know that I have changed some, but I dont think that it's that much of a difference between the me that left highschool and the me that is sitting here right now. I feel that as a person, I have not grown at all. Intellectually, yes, but my dreams to have that perfect day, to feel loved by another has clouded my judgement too many times, leaving me bitter and spiteful of others. I really wanted that to change most of all. It hasnt yet, it has only grown and become the ever present thing I wear everyday.
I am not sure exactly what I am searching for. But I feel like everyone else has found it.
I suggest: take the next few weeks to think about where you want to be and then try to let it happen.