Fly on Little Wing
10:07 p.m. | 2006-07-30
Yeah, so shit hasnt changed. It's like, why do I even bother sometimes??
Typically, things would happen one of two ways:
1. We sleep together and decide that things are a lot more than "friends" and try to have some type of relationship. Meaning that there would be phone calls, dates, and more sex.
2. We sleep together, and decide that neither of us is looking for anything serious, but still want to see each other and screw, so occasionally we hang out at night and end up at either place to fuck our brains out, but still see other people on the side.
Is there any such thing as an in between? That we screwed, decided that we were definitely more than friends, but both were unsure of a possible relationship, and are back to just friends? Im mean, the guy acts as if NOTHING HAPPENED! What am I suppose to do? I would be angry if he decided that Im just a good screw and only got called when he wanted some, but he's not even doing that. At this point, I'd be pleased as punch to hear him say, "I just wanna tap that ass again", seriously. As sad as that is, I want some type of reaction. Anything. This AIM crap is getting on my nerves. What does he have to hide or run away from? Obviously if I fucked you, Im okay with pretty much anything right? That means it's okay to call and say "what's up" or "wanna fuck". Im not asking for rings, cars, paid rent or a hair do. Now Im not even asking for dinner. I just want an invite, or a nasty message, or a sweet message, any type of declaration that shows he's got balls.
Now I dont even feel second place. I wonder if maybe he's still thinking about the other girl, or maybe he's thinking about me and not sure what to do. Maybe there's a new girl, or even worse, he's not thinking about anything at all. He's just living and Im here at 10:30pm on a Sunday wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into. Am I being treated fairly? Am I being used? Am I a push over? What do I feel inside and why? Was he fooling me for year? Am I an idiot? Am I just really really desparate? Did I make everything up in my mind, maybe we never even were together? I was just drunk and thought something happened. I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO!!
And I cant do a damn thing because I know that I will loose out in the end. Maybe this is just the 2 Jack and Cokes talking, but it's overwhelming and hurting me slowly. I want to know that someday someone is going to really want me, to want me and never want to be without me. And that I will want to be with them too. But deep down, there's this feeling that Im never gonna find that person. Maybe that I will never even get to settle. That I will forever be this person that has to dream about what she really wants. Always and never. I love how you think things are changing, but they really arent. Im just sinking. Watching everyone else sail by and I cant do a damn thing about it.
I just need to let go and let it in, let all the water in, let it fill up my lungs.
I suggest:
Jack says forget about him and have fun with me! Listen to some Hendrix and cry yourself to sleep.