trying not to think about him either
10:39 p.m. | 2006-08-08
I wonder why I never trust myself, the feelings that I get sometimes. I know they are probably true, but I get caught in those fairytale possibilities. You know, the ones where you think your savior has come, the one that is going to make you feel special, the one that you know is thinking about you all the time, that you dont feel ashamed about liking, one that calls you and tells you how special you are. And that will always be there for you. One you can depend on.
Maybe I am demanding too much. I think I get attached to easily. I really try to be stand-off-ish, but in the end I give up and decide that if I dont take a chance, I might miss out or something. I feel so behind in life. Like the kid on the back of the bus. The short bus. I cant help thinking that Im never going to be happy. Ive gotten used to being by myself, so much that even though there is someone staying with me temporarily, I dont even notice anymore. Im just here. I dont know what Im doing, or who I am. I just want to feel loved, to have some who cares about how I feel and what I want. I dont know if I will ever feel that way. But I know that the person is not here now.
So I sit in my room, hurting because I opened myself up yet again to someone who I know isnt thinking about me right now.
I suggest:
Getting used to being disappointed
Getting used to being alone
Getting used to being the last to know
Getting used to being behind everyone else
Getting used to being sad
Getting used to being used
Getting used to being confused
Getting used to being single
Getting used to being unable to do a damn thing about it