What is it with you, you silly thing...
1:21 a.m. | 2006-08-12
It's early Saturday morning and there are 4 days left for him to contact me before I completely pull the plug. I dont know if I would give him a second chance. Deep down I know that I will probably never hear from him unless I run into him. He's not going to hunt me down, he's not going to call randomly one day, or email me. He doesnt care that way. School's over and he has no excuse for not contacting me. He's just not that into me, and it took me too long to see it. Or maybe I knew it all along and just ignored the signs. That's probably what it is.
I just hate that I was strung along for a year. I want to know exactly what he got out of it. What was his benefit for talking to me for so long? Why over a year? And of course, why give up? What so important to him, that he had to have, that he must of found and decided that the rest was not worth taking along with it? I just cant think that he only wanted to sleep with me. That he only wanted to see what it would be like. Im not the prettiest, the smartest, or anything like that. Im average. Not overly special. But maybe I was vunerable enough. Im not purdish, Im not chaste, but not a whore. Im just average, everyday, and maybe that was enough for him to make his move. He was right when he said that he had no game, but he had something that I fell for and now Im trying to have a little faith in the man that I would like him to be, that he will do the right thing and contact me, because there aren't enough excuses for him not to, besides the "I dont miss her at all cuz I dont care". That's the last excuse I want to hear.
And tonight I thought about how easy some women have it. That they can be friends with men, laugh with them and have them do things for them. I dont have that. I dont have male friends that I can just call and talk to, or go out with (that dont happen to be gay that is). I have no idea how to even start that with someone, without it being more. I wonder if Im just not as attractive as everyone says I am. I cant imagine another woman being jealous of me. Maybe of my education, or my apartment, but not of just me, my personality or my looks. How I dress or how much money I make, anyone can pull that off. Im just not amazing.
So why did he do it? It's true, he couldnt have any woman he wanted, but he had me, and just decided that I wasnt worth holding on too, not worth fighting over or defending.
And that hurts a lot.
I suggest: Have friends over, play loud music, drink excessively, and know that staring at your phone wont make it ring. Tequila sunrises are highly recommended.